depression is a bitch

7 things thing

My darling friend Lisa gave me this 'blogger award'

In order to accept this award you must do the following:

•  Make a post and link back to the person who awarded you this award.
•  Share 7 things about yourself.
•  Contact these bloggers to alert them that they’ve won!

I don't really follow blogs besides hers....soo, I won't be passing it on.
But, I'll do it anyway since I'm very pleased.

1. I write in my head. All the time. It's really weird. I narrate what I'm doing sometimes in flowery language in my head. It's strange, but it gives me something to think about besides my criticisms.
2. I pick my split ends compulsively.
3. I have a major dress obsession and wear them in inappropriate situations. Such as, -19 degree weather, sports games, amusement parks....
4. When I was 8, I wore a size 8 shoe. I was super amused by this because people often said 'act your age, not your shoe size,' and mine was the same. I'm no longer amused because my foot continued to grow to an 11 and it's excruciatingly difficult to locate shoes sometimes.
5. I have an extreme obsession with Friends. I know all of the episodes by heart. In awkward, or egregiously long situations, I play episodes in my head to make the time go by faster. I also do that with Mean Girls.
6. I have a profound love for riding the train. It's really smooth and peaceful and I love looking out the window at the snow.
7. I busted my ass on ice coming out of my dorm building. The ice shattered under me, sooo I hit it damn hard. I can now hardly walk, much less run or do yoga. Or stand up or bend over. It's very annoying. I am strongly considering getting one of those doughnut things to sit on. Trevor said he would make a lot of fun of me, but I think it's worth it.

Thanks Lisa. :)

In other news, I had a drunken break down on Saturday.
I think I'm ok though.
I'm just super tired of dealing with this.
I want to be ok and I'm just not.
I knew it would be difficult, and I knew I had more work to do, but it hit me while I was in a drunken stupor and I started bawling and ended up staying in Trevor's room on facebook all night by myself.

I have a therapy session on Wednesday, though. Finally. I'm also going to try to make it to EDA that night, but it's in the city until 9 and I'm extremely paranoid. But...we'll see. If I don't go, at least I have an individual session.

kdkfjeiesf fuck?

i don't like having an eating disorder
and i don't like being at school
can i please just be normal and not a student
and sit on the couch and eat nachos
and not want to purge
and not get trashed on the weekends
and wake up feeling like a truck hit me

please?
wah. school...may have been a bad choice......

more of the same.

i'm getting a little flustered that i'm still STRUGGLING SO MUCH.
i haven't had an individual session since last tuesday. so over a week. and i won't have one until next wednesday.
that's a long time to go at all, and especially coming out of residential.

i purged last night because i got high for the first time in forever. got the munchies baaaad and went on a really fabulous binge that i purged as well and then felt like complete ass the rest of the night. so i guess there's some truth in that you shouldn't do drugs or drink alcohol when you're trying to recover.

am i? trying?
i'm NOT following my meal plan by any means. i'm not going out of my way to not follow it, but i haven't gone out of my way TO follow it either. and that's what i need to do. follow it. but i don't have a nutritionist appt. for a while either.

explanation: my therapist and nutritionist are hard as hell for me to get to. like, an hour walk from the train station. and it's like 7 degrees. no thank you. so i got new ones. i should have google-mapped it pre-getting back to school. but i didn't. and now i'm getting fucked over. my.bad.

trevor update: not much to report. not that there's nothing to report, but there's no progress on...the goal, per se.

will re convene after his birthday. or valentine's day. or my birthday. or... fuck. i don't know. we'll see how it plays out. i'm really attached to having someone being attached to me. it's really nice to be cared for and some might say that's me using him. and maybe it is. wahh.

transfer update: no update. i might just stay here. but who knows.

life sucks sometimes, you know?

whooooops

i'm going to update soon, i swear.

my energy is going into THIS BLOG ...
yeah, i don't know why i keep making so many. i'm just bored, i suppose.

my eating disorder is rampaging a little bit and i need to update and share so it gets off my chest. but. i....don't want to. i'd like to keep it a secret.

bad news, i know. :\

but i'll update tomorrow, after class. scout's honor.

applications and "boyfriends"

transfer apps=essays.
eating disorders provide the best topics.
'something that shaped me'
'a personal journey i've been on'

so, i'm thinking of boston college and boston university.
northwestern is of course a little bubble floating in the distance, but i don't know if my ego can take a denial letter.

meh.
and while i'm applying for different schools,
i'm applying for internships and scholarships through my school.

what's my problem.

I NEED TO COMMIT TO SOMETHING.

speaking of committing...
trevor. my 'boyfriend'....that word makes me want to puke. but he was referred to me as my boyfriend which made me want to jump on the ending things train fast. 
my conversation with trevor that was supposed to end in things ending ended in my bed. sooo....oops. i'll try again tomorrow.
i've never been very eloquent.

Le sigh.

I am sleepy today.

I only pressed snooze one time, and after dirtying up my newly organized closet, I decided on something to wear. I'm thinking of doing something similar to Kendi with my clothes...the 30 for 30. You don't shop for 30 days, and have 30 pieces of clothing to make 30 outfits. I don't know if that was clear. But...I need to do something so I don't shop so much. I'm having a bit of a budget crisis and since I'm back at school, all I want to do is go to Chicago and shop.

But, alas, I can not do that. I am poor.

Anyway. That will start (if it does...) after next week, which is 'recruitment'...aka rush. I'm not certain being in a sorority is my cup of tea, however, after isolating for a semester and alienating lots of folks, I could use some more friends.

(even though I might transfer. oof.) Does anyone know of mediocre schools in the suburbs of great cities that are fun-sized, without being suffocating?

Now, I'll get around to explaining this new-ness.

Well. no, I won't. I wrote this on the plane yesterday. I don't feel like re-vamping it for today. So. here is yesterday's explanation.

Today is one of those days where nothing is comfortable. My leggings cut into my rib cage, my underwear is bunched up, and my ponytail is at the exact spot on my head where it hits the back of the seat, awkwardly. One of those days, where I remember how fabulous my bed is and just want to snuggle under my covers with my teddy bear. These days generally thrust me into a funk where I have multiple binge purge cycles, while I lay on the couch watching TLC in my sweatpants.  However, my mind hardly went there today, which is why all of the things that are making me crazy are ok, and even amusing. Yeah, there’s a baby crying on my airplane, and the overhead bins are full, so my backpack is hogging my leg room…but I had shrimp fried rice for lunch and even got a smoothie for my afternoon snack. I love realizing those irritating little nuggets, but being amused at them rather than having them send me into raging bitch mode.

Today is a good day. So, I decided to start this new blog to have the focus be on me, and not my eating disorder. That’s something about me, let’s call it “a fun fact”. (Granted, it’s not the kind of fun fact I’d offer during ‘the name game’ on the first day of class, but a fact nonetheless.) It’s probably a little cheesy, but there is so much more about me than my struggles,so I’m coverting this post into things about me that don’t include ED.

1.     I love fashion blogs. Mainly because I'm indecisive and steal outfit ideas from others. oopsies.

2.     I have an obsession with the special features of movies. It’s a deciding factor between two completely different movies. Just commentaries? Forget it. I want the bloopers, a ‘behind the scenes’ clip filmed by a cast member, cast interviews, and the director’s spiel about how (s)he came up with the movie, and about the hardships they went through getting the rights and what not. Yes, I love special features.

3.     I hate hate hate showering. I sit there and think of reasons not to shower. It’s disgusting. I won’t tell you the last time I showered…but…I’m going to do so tonight…my hair has loads of grease in it. Kind of ridiculous, but no one’s complained about my stench…yet. I AM on a crowded airplane.

4.     I buy books. A lot. But I don’t really read them…ever. I love bookstores, and the smell of new books…but the ole noggin doesn’t read like it used to.

5.     I probably watch Mean Girls weekly, at least. Yes, I can quote every damn line, but I just can’t get enough of the WIT. I’ll stop now, or I may never stop…all I’ve gotta say is…that’s the ugliest effing skirt I’ve ever seen.

6.     Same with Friends. I’ll be there for youuuuuuuuuu….

I'm sure there are more, but for now, I'm going to...um...I don't know. Do homework? Doubtful. 

Oh, ps. My blog name is "musings of me" in French. The title is silly, but French makes it sound so pretty and fun.